She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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