Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
