So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
