and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
