my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
