he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
