Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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