He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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