worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
