i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
