i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
