I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Randomize
