dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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