I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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