Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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