I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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