White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize