she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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