Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
