This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
