I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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