It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They have beer where we have blood.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
