Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
