OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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