I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
