I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
