my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
