Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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