I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
