Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
