you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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