what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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