you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
