i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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