Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
