Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
