The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
