I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
