Pants 0. Shit 1.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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