Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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