His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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