meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
