last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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