I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
