85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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