me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
