I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
