I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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