she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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