You can't motorboat a personality
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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