Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize