he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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