so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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