the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
not ubering you a puppy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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