I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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