I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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