listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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